Understanding Emotional Abuse: Signs and Breaking the Cycle
- Liz Prette
- Dec 30, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Mar 11
“What makes the temptation of power so seemingly irresistible? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of love. It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life.” - Henri Nouwen
For loving relationships to truly thrive, they need an emotionally safe environment. Nothing is more destructive to a relationship than when negative power replaces love and safety.
Although many forms of power misuse exist, emotional abuse is one that often goes unnamed or unrecognized. Numerous relationships suffer silently from emotional abuse and manipulation and may remain unaware. This dynamic is often difficult to identify and address. If verbal or emotional interactions show a pervasive pattern of control or power, we must recognize it as emotional abuse in order to address it appropriately. (emotional abuse vs verbal abuse)
The key to correctly naming emotional abuse is recognizing a recurring pattern that may include some of the following behaviors. While any of us can be susceptible to occasionally using these forms of communication, it is the repeated pattern of these behaviors, without taking responsibility, that creates the deepest sense of insecurity.
Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse involves the use of language that demeans another person's character. While public expressions of abusive language may be easily flagged, psychological abuse is often conveyed privately and subtly through insults, name-calling, belittling, criticism, attacks on a person’s belief system, mocking, or humiliation. Its impact is intensified by the hidden nature of its expression.
Demands
Small demands may seem innocuous and even reasonable at first glance. However, insisting that dinner be on time or that the house appear “just so” is a subtle yet powerful way of exerting unhealthy control. Hints of emotional abuse become apparent when a partner demands obedience, prevents someone from making their own decisions, or treats another like a child.
Sometimes dismissed as “protection” or “jealous love,” one can isolate their partner by limiting contact with friends, family, and support systems. It can be confusing when someone becomes angry or jealous if their partner wants to be out with friends or arrives home a little late. This dynamic powerfully conveys that being connected to others is not acceptable.
Threats
Direct threats can serve as a strategy for someone seeking to gain control when a partner doesn’t comply. Threats to leave, take money, tell lies, hurt, or even kill oneself are not uncommon forms of emotional manipulation.
Intimidation
Intimidation can be a powerful tactic, and one of the strongest ways to intimidate someone is by destroying something important to them. There are also more subtle examples, such as trying to control what a person says, how they feel, or what they wear, or attempting to make the person account for every minute of their day.
Manipulation
Common manipulation techniques can make one person vulnerable while the other becomes powerful. Examples include persuasion through pressuring someone to do something they don't want to do; blame, which accuses the other of being at fault or being selfish or hurtful; guilt trips, such as saying, “If you really cared for me, you would have had dinner ready”; and direct manipulation, which communicates, “I need you and can’t live without you.”
Intermittent Kindness
In an experience of emotional abuse, there may be a cycle of intermittent kindness, where someone is occasionally nice enough to reinforce the belief that the relationship is safe. These intermittent acts of kindness provide a surge of hope, but they are often part of a larger cycle or pattern in which control tactics inevitably resurface.
Unfortunately, when emotionally abusive behaviors are present, people often neutralize or deny the actions. Most frequently, the phenomenon of neutralization is maintained by the actual perpetrators of abuse. However, minimization also occurs at a broader systemic level, sometimes by those who are concerned and want to help, and sometimes by society at large.
The actual victims of emotional abuse may often appear to minimize the power of abusive behaviors. For the victim, the use of minimization is a complex dynamic. To outside observers, it may be easy to assume that victims of abuse passively accept the negative power dynamics and lack the self-esteem to resist.
Research shows, however, that most people in these relationships "do" a lot to oppose the abuse, demonstrating incredible strength, resilience, and creativity to cope and keep themselves safe. Recognizing how denial occurs can help open our eyes to inappropriate denial, and each of these neutralizing techniques prevents the abuse from being spoken of truthfully.
In my article, The 6 Forms of Denial, I outline the ways in which this minimization occurs and suggest methods to reveal these denials while further supporting victims of abuse.
...most people in these relationships “do” a lot to oppose the abuse and show amazing strength, resilience, and creativity to cope and keep themselves safe.
Over and over again, I see people taking actions to resist the abuse, whether by avoiding the situation, attempting to problem-solve, using conflict resolution strategies, fighting back with strength, seeking help, protecting others in the situation, creating safe spaces, placating the powerful one to stop the pain, or courageously leaving the situation.
All of these actions require thought, strength, and courage, and can contribute to safety in the midst of the abuse. However, mere protective actions by the vulnerable one do not stop the abuse. Ultimately, to bring safety to the relationship, the powerful one must acknowledge their misuse of power, take responsibility, and seek help to change their way of being in the relationship.
All too often, the only truly viable action is for the vulnerable one to remove themselves temporarily or permanently from the environment where the abuse occurs. Health is only truly possible this way, even though each of these steps is courageous and difficult. Either party can use their strength to move toward safety and equality and engage in the hard work of loving without the abuse of power.
If you recognize yourself or someone else in these situations, don’t hesitate to seek professional help from the seasoned Arbour therapists.
Arbour Therapist Liz Prette, M.A., RCC has helped individuals and couples for more than 20 years to identify and process the dynamics around the misuse of power in relationships.
Read more about Liz, here.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Will emotional abuse become physical?
Emotional abuse can escalate to physical abuse, but not always. It's important to address it early.
2. Can emotional abuse cause PTSD?
Yes, prolonged emotional abuse can lead to PTSD, causing lasting trauma and anxiety.
3. Can emotional abuse cause brain damage?
Severe, prolonged emotional abuse can affect brain function and stress response, potentially leading to long-term effects.
4. How emotional abuse in childhood damages the brain?
Childhood emotional abuse can impair brain development, leading to emotional regulation issues and mental health problems.
5. What does emotional abuse look like in a relationship?
6. Where is emotional abuse illegal?
Emotional abuse is illegal in many places, especially when it leads to harassment or psychological harm.
7. Where to report emotional abuse?
Report emotional abuse to local authorities, social services, or a domestic abuse helpline. You can also contact any Arbour Counselling Centre therapist.
8. Why is emotional abuse worse than physical abuse?
Emotional abuse can cause lasting psychological harm, affecting a person's self-worth and mental health long after physical scars heal.
9. What does emotional abuse do to you?
Emotional abuse erodes self-esteem, causes anxiety, and leads to long-term mental health challenges.